Balance

I find every day is a balancing act. Not the kind where you are on a tightwire, but the kind where you are trying to balance ten bowling pins on your hand without dropping them. Some might call it a juggling act. I prefer to think of myself as someone who balances. Call it what you will, for some time now my goal in life has been to be healthy, in every possible way. And that means balancing the needs of my clients, my children, my partner, my pets, my friends, my self, and definitely not in that order!!!
Most days, I do a reasonable job of pulling it off, but some days I want to toss the friggin' pins in the air and walk away.
Today has been one of those days.
It doesn't happen often. For the most part, I'm just grateful for my life and the gifts inherent within it. But today, it's grey out, I'm being challenged by technology, I have too much to do and I'm tired.
WHINE WHINE WHINE.
Any thoughts? Because I'm coming up empty.

LOL says, Life is Short

Priorities, necessities, needs, wants...
I was talking with a friend this week and jokingly told him, all I need in life is my dog, adrenaline and Prilosec.
I kind of meant it.
My dog is my sweetness, centering and peaceful. Petting him erases stress. Murphy rules.
Adrenaline keeps my blood moving. I feel alive.
Prilosec calms my acid reflux from the stress adrenaline causes.
OK, so yes, I joke, I love my kids, my people, my partner.
I am an unbearably happy woman.
And today a young man died. He was 59, and his time was up. Too soon. I am so lucky. My life is amazing, and I'm so glad that I am where I am in this time and place with the people I love.

Public Enemy Number -- ME!!!

It has been a long time since I was in grad school fighting the good fight in a newspaper column. Back then I got threats and hate mail, those were the days.
And yet, it appears I still have a way about me -EVIDENTLY. I found out recently that one man has named me as one of the top most evil folks in Thurston County.
I am strangely flattered!
Evidently, little old me has done something to irritate a certain ex-Tumwater Councilman. I even think I may know what I did, but come on seriously???
I think what I did was taking a job with the Economic Development Council , where I helped find ways to make more jobs in the county.
Or maybe it's because now I sell commercial real estate???
The gentleman in question is part of a small cadre of locals who are anti-growth. We call them No growthers. They are very outspoken environmentalists. I have NO problem with environmentalism in all of its forms. I am a strong supporter of all things green, REALLY.
My job is to help businesses find places to do business. That doesn't mean I am a proponent of knocking down trees or using up resources.
I'm truly just trying to feed my kids.
I am flattered by this guy thinking I am worthy of his red highlighter, but I honestly think it says more about him than me.
I am hoping I don't get any hate mail or threats this time around and besides, I think red highlighter is cool. Red is my favorite color!!!

Being Sick Still Sucks

I'm sick.

I'm not dying, well we're all dying, so I guess that's not quite true.

But I am sick.

I hate being sick.

They passed that physician assisted suicide bill in Washington State this year.

I'm all in favor.

Just so long as I get to make the rules, and I am the one that basically takes care of business if and when I want to.

It's not that I don't trust my kids or the doctor, but I don't want anyone else to take this on as their burden and feel badly about it. As I am writing this, I am realizing I may not be as ok with it as I say. Questions are filling my mind, like "If I kill myself, will I go to Hell?"

Just when I least expect it -- when I think I'm clear on a subject, the God thing pokes its head out of hiding and brings moral issues to light.

I know thou shalt not kill, but what about mercy?

What about when your life has ceased to be of value?

God says all life has value.

REALLY?

What about the life of a serial killer? What about a person who is brain dead?

There has to be a place at which we draw the line.

I've always been against the death penalty because I don't believe anyone has the right to end another person's life, including the state. But what about mercy???

Obviously I don't have an answer, and I am hungry for one.

Being sick sucks, and I wouldn't want to be REALLY sick and a burden on others and in constant pain. I would want to move on, but does my will matter?

Are we truly meant to live out our days as handed?

Or is God just as merciful as I would think, and did he maybe give us a way to opt out?

I think we are all allowed to figure some of this stuff out for ourselves.

Black and White is easy and straightforward, but Grey sometimes is the right color.

Why this LOL is not getting plastic surgery

I was at Joanne Fabrics shopping when I met the most adorable 18-month-old mini woman. She had on the most proper wool coat and a blond bob. Her crystal blue eyes stared up at me as she walked determinedly with her stout little legs in front of her mother through the crowded store.
I couldn't resist crouching down and chatting with her (really her mom). She was enchanting. After I turned and walked away, she followed me. Her mom didn't notice, so I said "honey, go back to momma." Momma barreled around the corner about then, grabbed her sweet child and said "Does that lady remind you of grandma?"
She was talking about ME.
Grandma. I will delight in being a grandma whenever it happens. I am ready willing and able to be a grandma. My life partner, Steve, has three grandchildren, who I delight in spoiling and enjoy playing with. Being a grandparent will rule.
But this gal knew I was old enough.
Wow.
My secret undercover age is gone. Because my entire life, very few people have ever guessed my age correctly. I was carded up until I was almost 40. Mostly this is because I'm small. 5-foot to be exact. It makes you look young.
In our culture looking young is a big deal. So when I was in my 20s and watching other women age, I saw some of them get plastic surgery, face lifts, eye lifts, boob lifts... and I decided then and there that I would never do this. These women were beautiful and their age did nothing to change that. In my 20-something opinion, they didn't need to change a thing.
Later I had a daughter (ok, much later... I was 38 when she was born.) I repledged myself to abstain from plastic surgery at this time. I didn't want Claire to ever think there was anything wrong with aging.
When Claire was 8, we were both looking in the mirror, and I said something to the effect of when she was older she would have earned all the lovely lines and wrinkles around her eyes and mouth that showed years of smiles and life. My dear sweet daughter screwed up her face and peered at me in the mirror. She finally said, "Gosh I hope not."
I still laugh out loud at that memory. So much for my quest to show her one can age with dignity and beauty. At almost 50, it has grown increasingly difficult to abstain from a little lift here, some collagen there, or maybe that poisonous stuff that they inject into your forehead.
But somewhere lurking under the surface of my slightly saggy body, my slightly wrinkly face is the 20-something, and my ideals remain intact and my body remains au naturel. And someday when I die, it'll all be worm food anyway, at least my worms will be able to eat every bite!!!

Going Live

Today I posted the link to this blog on Facebook.
Weird how I am suddenly VERY self conscious and going back trying to decide what to edit or change. I took down the bathing suit pic.
What a goofy thing to do. The whole idea was to make this about not caring what people think anymore... so hmmm another life lesson. You are never too old to feel self conscious, to question yourself and your judgment.

Note to self: First instincts rule. Keep listening.

LOL says: He who has not sinned, cast the first stone...

I was a nut. Ok some might argue with the past tense in that sentence. When I was a kid, I was VERY religious, and I memorized Bible verses until I was blue in the face. My father, who is a crazy Sicilian reformed Catholic, accepted Christ and became a Christian when I was 12 years old.
Like most teens, I thought I knew everything, was dying to be right, fought authority and basically anything else I could to make my parents lives miserable.
My father was all about the rules of Christianity... with a Catholic devotion to dogma and a spare the rod and spoil the child philosophy.
So it didn't take long before his new found Christianity gave him the knowledge to pass judgment on sinners of all kinds.
But as his child, the only sins I could see were his, and with singleminded fury, I would fight him tooth and nail, screaming "HE WHO HAS NOT SINNED, CAST THE FIRST STONE..." my attempt at a Bible quote along with "JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED..." Nothing better than a know-it-all kid with endless courage, a sense of self righteousness and a BIG mouth.
Needless to say, my less than perfect and less than patient Sicilian father would regularly knock me on the floor after one of my self righteous rants.
As a woman of almost 50, I know he could have been more patient, but man what a pain in the ass kid. I have one now who is the opposite of religious... to the point he wears a "God Free" sweatshirt. And as the ironies of life would have it, I have come back to my spiritual roots.
So having grown up in a different time and under different circumstances than my father, I am practicing what I preached -- loving this kid with all my might, trying to be an example of God's love in his life. Judging not lest I be judged because God knows --- I have sinned.

Relationships change, flow, they do not end

I have been married and divorced twice.
Not a great record in most people's books, but to me, it means a life fully lived.
I have never settled for being ignored, treated badly, cheated on or lied to.
I have always known somewhere inside me that I deserved a good relationship. But I have not always known what that meant.
I've made a jillion mistakes.
I've loved deeply, fully and frequently.
Recently a strange confluence of events has come into my life, every person from my past with whom I have unresolved issues has shown up within 90 minutes of my home.
Now maybe this wouldn't be so odd if I hadn't grown up in Kansas, more than 1,000 miles from where I live in Olympia, WA.
And these three people just happened to move to Seattle or Portland.
And we found each other.
And resolutions occurred.
One of these folks, my lovely mentor from 20 or so years back asked me, why do you want to reconnect with me???
I answered her truthfully...
I never left you. I believe relationships, once created, exist. They change, they flow, they alter and live. But they do not end. Even when the other person dies, the entity that is the relationship still exists.
A relationship between people is a living, breathing reality.
It is a beautiful thing.
My ex husbands... probably don't agree.
Nor do most people whose relationship has bent in a way they did not choose.
But even those feelings and relationships are still out there floating and living.
There are a few more people out there with whom I have unresolved issues... we'll see what the future holds.

Not sure what this year means

This year, October 29 to be exact, I turn 50. It truly seems like yesterday I was 20. I know everyone says that... ok so it must mean something then.
LIFE really IS short.
One day you're sneaking around behind your parents back trying to have some fun and the next you're trying to pay bills, trying to catch your own kids having fun, married or divorced and smack in it. A grown up.
This year I actually feel like one.
Yikes. I can't believe I had to get this old to feel like an adult.
So I chose this photo of myself in a bathing suit being randomly hot at 50 on a beach in Hawaii. (Which I later removed...) Why? because even though I know I sound and feel like a little old lady, I think this age is fabulous. I don't feel particularly old, but I can't get into some of the yoga poses I used to and running hurts me now, so is it time to work out more? or less?
LOL says more.
I love that LOL means laughing out loud AND little old lady.
I'm doing both right now as often as possible.
I started this blog because Paul said to, and I'm going to start putting my thoughts into it. I doubt anyone will really read it, I'm not even sure how people find blogs really, unless of course they're your friends.
But nevertheless. Tallyho, for me.